When a family breaks up, each partner generally tells everyone else, “I don’t know what happened. I gave them EVERYTHING!” The answer to that is, “Well, you gave them everything . . . EXCEPT what they really needed.”
How would you feel if this DID NOT HAVE TO BE YOU and your partner? How great would it be if you woke up in the morning excited and full of wonder in how you will find a way to make your lover’s eyes sparkle and light up? How would it feel to know that you were the number one source of happiness and joy in his or her life? How much would you enjoy feeling Passionate and Determined to be totally in love, to wit, that no matter what you and your partner would never consider being with anyone else?
The fact is most people don’t see what else they can do. They are blind as to what more can be done. There’s not just more, there are actually EFFECTIVE ways to turn things around. Einstein said in effect, “you cannot fix a problem using the same thought processes that created the problem.” You need to change your thinking with a new or different view or idea. This is one of the strongest I’ve ever found.
Under SIX HUMAN NEEDS PSYCHOLOGY, developed by Tony Robbins, every person has six basic needs (not merely wants), and every act a person makes is in order to attain one or more of those needs. These 6 Needs are the needs for:
- Certainty
- Significance
- Variety
- Love & Connection
- Growth
- Contribution
CERTAINTY is the need to feel comfort, stability or consistency in life. A need to know the basic necessities in life will be taken care of – things like food, shelter and material resources. Many people who cannot control their physical circumstances may get certainty through a state of mind like religious faith or optimism.
SIGNIFICANCE is everyone’s need to feel special, unique and important somehow. People try to obtain this need from recognition from others or from themselves. Getting Angry can make someone feel powerful and significant, having larger problems to show than someone else or even projecting insignificance or helplessness as a way to get attention and recognition.
VARIETY is a paradoxical need opposite of Certainty. Although we want stability and consistently, people get bored and want to change their state. This can be done through stimuli, changing scenery, exercise, mood swings, T.V., entertainment, food, etc.
LOVE & CONNECTION is the need to feel connected with someone or something. Everybody has a deep down basic need to be loved. In fact our GREATEST FEAR is that we’re not Enough, and if we’re not enough we won’t be Loved – by peers, by strangers, by parents, clients or potentially anybody. This connection can be a person or community, an idea or value, a habit or identity we’ve chosen for ourselves. When we don’t feel loved, often we will settle for a lower level of connection than risk a feeling of being unloved.
GROWTH is a need for expansion beyond what we currently are. All things are either growing or dying, whether we’re talking about relationships, knowledge, understanding, businesses or love. Expansion of our own identity and knowledge is the key to the feeling of happiness.
CONTRIBUTION is a need to get outside of oneself and give to another, a community or even the world. It’s the key to being fulfilled long term. We all tend to sing a song of “Me, Me, Me, Me!” which is the recipe for depression and discouragement. When we can get outside of our heads and do something for another, our spirits can feel joy and peace like nothing else.
Obviously there is allot more to the Six Human Needs, but for purposes of this discussion, how does this relate to Saving Your Marriage?
For the sake of simplicity, think about how you felt when you and your partner first got together. Maybe a first date, when she said, “Yes,” when life together seemed like it was just flowing and you didn’t have to try.
At that time, which of these 6 Needs were you meeting for your partner?
Did you make them feel Significant by spending as much free time as you possibly could with them and buy them things and say things to make them feel special? Did your partner do the same for you?
Did you make your partner feel Confident, Certain and Know without a doubt that you would protect them and care for them and be there no matter what happened or what they did? Did your partner do the same for you?
Did you Connect with them and show Love to them both physically and emotionally and with words and gestures, with your tone of voice and your time? Did you look in their eyes, did you do the same enjoyable things together, talk about fascinating subjects and hold and embrace each other all the time? Did your partner return the Love or give it first to you?
Were you Growing together in Emotions and feelings? Were your feelings Magnified when you were together, including your feelings of Joy, Pleasure, Fun, Excitement, Passion, Resourcefulness and Happiness? Did you do the same your partner? Did you feel and make them feel like you were both Expanding becoming more because you were together? Were you both increasing your Identities to include the other in your pictures and in your experiences?
Do you feel like you were giving to and willing to give to them pretty much anything they wanted to make them feel happy and alive, regardless of when they were in a sad or bad or unhappy mood? Did your partner do the same for you when you were down? Did they give to you, even when you may not feel you deserved it?
As you can clearly see, in the beginning, you both were meeting all of each other’s needs in every way you possibly could. Tony Robbins says, “If you treated each other like you did in the beginning, there would be no end”
However, in your current situation, is your partner still meeting your needs in the same way they did in the beginning? Do they make you feel Certain that you’ll be safe and taken care of? Do you feel money is a problem and constant reminder that there’s never enough? Do they make you feel Significant, that you’re the number one in their life? Or, do you now feel like you’re #7 or #8 after each of the kids, mom, dad, their brother and sister, band buddies and colleagues? Are you a “clock on the wall” as my wife used to say? Are you so bored all the time when you’re together that the only thing you can think to do is go watch TV, get on your phone or Facebook, eat Food, go to Work (other than the 2 weeks out of the last 52 weeks in the year and a weekends and holidays where you might go on an exhausting trip as a family…)? Do you feel like your identity is Expanding because you are with them, or shrinking because of a feeling of being held back? Do you feel like you cannot fully give because either they don’t accept it or you are held back from reaching a potential you know you have inside?
Conversely, are YOU still meeting these 6 Needs for your Partner? If you said, “Yes” and you’re still having a hard time, then you’re lying to yourself. Do you make your partner KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will do whatever it takes to take care of them no matter what? Do you make them KNOW that they are the single most important thing in life to you – more than work, more than your mission, more than kids and relatives or friends? Do you make their life so exciting and fun with surprises and different experiences that they never know what great thing will happen next? Do you show them, tell them and make them feel by touch and buying trinkets and “unnecessary” items that you Love them and that you’re thinking about them All the Freaking Time (AFT)? Do you help them to Grow (no Criticisms and Coaching to them without being asked is not helping them grow!) and feel alive and feel like they’re becoming more because they are with you? Do you let them know how much they Contribute to your life’s happiness and joy and success and that because of them you and the world and your family are all a better place, regardless of how they feel their position is not good enough?
These are the questions you have to ask yourself. If all of these needs were met for you, how would you feel? Happy? What about for your partner? If all of these needs were met at a level 10 for them, how would they feel? Ecstatic? Do happy and passionate people with a level 10 Love, who feel like they are Growing and Contributing and excited for each other’s next experience together, who know they are #1 in the other’s life and who have no doubt that no matter what or how much money is made, they will make it work and be together – do these type of people leave each other? Do they cheat on each other with a supermodel? Do they criticize and complain about “spilled milk”? NO THEY DON’T.
There are 3 LEVELS OF A RELATIONSHIP that we all need to understand:
1) Level 1: The partners are only concerned about getting their own needs met. This type of relationship cannot and will not last.
2) Level 2: Partners BARTER for needs. “I’ll give you what you want, if you give me what I want.” This is also called horse-trading or “whoring” – giving love only to get what you want. This relationship can last, but will not bring lasting intimacy and you both will feel suffering because there is “something” missing.
3) Level 3: Partners put the others’ needs first! This is the only relationship where love is Unconditional, and it is essential to long-lasting fulfillment. When you do this, your relationship will transmutate right in front of you.
Level 3 is NOT 50-50. It is 100-100%. You give 100% to the other regardless of how they are feeling, what State they are in or going through a difficult time. You cannot enjoy a relationship at the highest level unless BOTH of you are at a Level 3 and discovering how to meet each other’s needs and putting each other FIRST.
This is not a mere TECHNIQUE like a diet. It’s like eating to for permanent health, it must be a LIFE-STYLE that you live for your entire life and where the rewards are out of this world!
Some people are afraid that if they give their all, their partner will not respond, so they hold back some of their Love. RECIPE FOR DISASTER! If it is your DECISION that you will not give 100%, then there’s no way your partner will be able to reciprocate with 100% because they know you’re holding back and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The rewards of giving 100% and Resolving to live at a Level 3 relationship are worth the risk. The Decision not to is to let this and probably any future potential relationship die with certainty or at least not get close to the magnificence you could have otherwise had.
STRATEGY:
1) First, determine what your own TOP 2 (Driving Force) needs are:
- Certainty
- Significance
- Connection/Love
- Variety
- Growth
- Contribution
2) What do you hallucinate that your partner’s needs are and in what order?
3) How do you meet your top needs? Do you satisfy them more:
- at work
- at home
- with friends
- with relatives
- by yourself
- through kids
- TV, food, drugs, alcohol, exercising, etc.
4) How do you hallucinate your partner meets their 6 Needs?
5) What has to happen for you to feel that your top needs are being met?
Q: How often does it have to happen, and with whom?
Q: Are you more responsive to words, to touch, to visual cues, or gifts and gestures?
Q: What could your partner do to meet your needs better and more regularly?
Q: Have you told your partner?
Action: Write these down.
6) Ask yourself: On a scale from 1-10, at what level am I meeting my partner’s 6 Human Needs?
Q: How Certain is your partner that you love them?
Q: How much Variety and surprise do they get from you?
Q: How Significant do they feel that they are number one in your life?
Q: How much Love and Connection do they get from you on a DAILY basis?
Q: How much Growth do they feel in your relationship?
Q: How much do you help them to Contribute to others or the world?
Q: Is your partner more responsive to Words, Touch, Visual Cues, Gestures or Gifts?
Q: What could you do every month, every week, every day, or several times per day for your partner?
Q: How would it feel to be completely confident that you can meet your partner’s needs?
Q: If you are not sure how to meet your partner’s different needs, ASK THEM, “what has to happen for you to feel this need has been met?” Ask this with regard to all 6 Needs.
Remember that everyone has individual ways for meeting their needs which need to be taken care of before you attempt to change them to something more sustainable. As their partner, your JOB is, to wit your OBSESSION needs to be knowing and serving them – even if their needs are difficult for you to understand. Trying to meet another’s needs in the same way you want them to meet yours leads to more pain. Remember the Platinum Rule: “Treat others how they WANT to be treated, NOT how You want to be treated.”
7) Which of Your top needs are being met by people OUTSIDE of your intimate relationship?
Q: Are they family members, friends, colleagues, or children?
Q: Are you getting more significance, love or variety from people other than your intimate partner?
Q: Does your partner ever feel jealous or displaced by this?
Q: Are you getting needs met by someone who is critical or judgmental of your partner?
If this kind of intrusion is creating a challenge for your partner, you need to correct it NOW. Here’s how. 1) Call this other significant person (e.g.-your mother, your sister, your brother, or your friend) and 2) Tell them how much you love your partner and how happy you are to be in love with them, and how much they mean to you. 3) OBSERVE the other person’s reaction as you tell them. This person needs to understand that your partner comes first, and that your partner is meeting your needs and this also helps your partner feel that you are putting him or her above your other relationships. 4) REPEAT ONCE A WEEK.
WHEN WOULD NOW BE THE BEST TIME TO ENHANCE, FIX, UPGRADE OR OVERHAUL YOUR MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP?
You now have the tools, strategies, the WHY and the HOW to turn things around in your Marriage or relationship. You can either make an Excuse (a STORY of why you can’t/won’t/should someday because…. [name your excuse here]) or make a Resolution that how you WERE will end TODAY, RIGHT NOW, IN THIS MOMENT and that making this Marriage or relationship work will be a MUST for you and a way of life (a RITUAL). Since a True DECISION is not made without an Action, what will you do RIGHT NOW to begin this new phase in making the rest of your life the best of your life?
YOUR MOVE.
Alex Beyer
I Love you, I’m Sorry, Please Forgive me and Thank you.
Constant And Never-ending Improvement 